Monday, December 8, 2008

So the details...

Are as follows:

The night before, Glenn and I decorated the place with orange, yellow and blue streamers, we placed the presents, unwrapped (because he really isn't that into opening things anymore) on the kitchen table and went to bed.

Bug woke up and opened the door, took a step back when he saw the decorations, but ran headlong into the kitchen to scrounge for food. I was feeling under the weather and made him waffles instead of eggs, don't judge me. He ate ravenously and began tearing through the house like a caged bird.

Because I was so sick (sinus infection...AGAIN) I didn't have very much inclination to do anything until Mom and Dad got here. Thank god Mom and Dad got here before I strung him up because BOY, was he full of energy. So they got here and I began to get ready to take him to Chuck E. Cheese. Glenn got home, cuddled with Bug, calmed me down and made me smile and then we went to the restaurant/den of disease and munchkin overzealousness.

Bug was typically Bug and just wanted out of the place and back into the car. We, of course, couldn't give him what he wanted but instead walked around with him and let him ride some of the car rides and such. Mom has video, my battery was dead. Considering that Bug gets a little overexcited in crowds, he did really well.

We finished at the Chuck E. Cheese spending a little less than a hundred dollars on things that would have cost 30 bucks and headed to the Albertson's to get a cake.

About the cake...it was under glass, behind the counter and well, I wanted it. Glenn called for someone. Waited, called again. Waited some more and then we looked at each other and I went and got it. Found the little plastic cake cover and took it to the check out. Minor infraction and no DO NOT ENTER signs so...I suppose no harm no foul and it was a good cake.

We got home, had the cake, complete with candles and singing and then...had to play with the gifts. All the big people played, Bug wasn't too interested. Glenn got Bug an Air Hog. A small one but cool enough. I had to laugh...ages 8+. Bug didn't look at it once, he played with the Doodle Pro Mom and Dad got, and a little with the Little Einstein's Piano but after the 2 days he had before this, I was pleased he was even interested and mobile at all.

I never imagined the last 6 years would play out like they have when I first took him home so long ago. The future was completely different in my mind but he is still the little man I imagined. Loving, sweet, mischievous and tenacious. He is my little prince, and as trying as it can be at times, I simply adore my 6 year old boy. Now I just have to adjust to telling people he's 6. Wow.  



Friday, December 5, 2008

6 year old boy!

Bug made it to six! There was Chuck E. Cheese, Air Hogs, some minor rule-breaking and THE chocolate cake. Details to follow...it's just too darn late.

 


Happy Birthday 6 year old boy!



Thursday, December 4, 2008

EEG's and a strong little boy

I walked the halls looking at the faces of all the Doctors and Nurses that passed by, wondering if one of those minds held the key to the lock that took my boy from me and left me with so many questions. I walked the halls on my way to sedate my boy, place electrodes on his head and HOPE he has a seizure. HOPE he HAS a seizure. I never wanted him to have one before, never! But today, I was hoping beyond all hope that he was actually going to misfire and have the very thing I dread. And he did. BEFORE the electrodes were on. We missed it by 40 minutes. It was the first time that any medical professional had seen one and for that I was somewhat grateful, but saddened all the same.


Our decision to move back to Utah was validated in spades the last two days. It was the ONLY place were we could have gotten 2 EEG's in 2 days, the only place where 5 nurses held him and cuddled him and tried to comfort him. And the ONLY place where a very kind Doctor took the time to explain to a worried Mom about Precedex®. Dex is a sedative that mimics sleep. Very mild, as far as sedatives goes, and essential for a precise view of the brainwaves our boy creates. He needed to be sedated because, as sweet and easy as he was the first two times he had EEG's, he WAS only 3 then and 5 is a whole different ballgame. 

On December 2nd at 7:00pm we began the sleep deprivation. I was concerned it would be a battle we would lose and he would run headlong into deep, peaceful, sleep. But he didn't. We played music loudly and Tay helped by shaking him and screaming at the top of her lungs. In an enclosed car...it wasn't pleasant. At 10pm, Mom and I took him to WalMart thinking it would be easier to keep him awake with the bright lights and noise. And hey, I can Christmas shop so: Win Win. WalMart worked. A little too well. At 12:15am we headed for home. At 12:25 we were home, at 1:00am I was begging him to go to sleep. At 1:15 he complied.

Glenn's job was to wake him up at 5:15. He woke up at 7:00. Oh well, he is used to 12 hours of sleep so he was pretty deprived. But he was happy. Too happy, too energetic. K, that worked against us. At 10:30am we got to the hospital and heard: your appointment is tomorrow. Snap! How did I do that? The wonderful, kind and sweet lady said the most spectacular thing: Wait a minute and I will see if they can get you in! What? Cool. We'll wait. And Bug paced and ran the halls and I talked to some nice ladies and eventually we were called in. It was amazing.

Bug does NOT like small rooms. DOES NOT. So when we had to hold him down to get the electrodes on, there was a great wailing and moaning and gnashing of teeth. I thought he did fairly well, but it was a battle. Once the electrodes were on and the room was available we laid him down. And he got up. I laid down next to him, held him in my arms and he screamed at me and tried to get up. After changing parents and about 40 minutes I called no joy and asked for sedation. 

They called the Sedation department and, well, Bug had a cracker. *A* cracker, 3 hours before so he couldn't be sedated. To be so close and miss it because Daddy was thinking his Boy would be hungry since Bug refused breakfast, well it pissed me off. I believe my comment was: 'Well thank God all those emergency surgery patients were smart enough to not eat for 12 hours before they got in the car accident'. The room was quiet...except for Bug. I heard: 'They don't want him to aspirate anything. ' I said: 'A cracker? His own spit is worse'. And then I apologized and told the VERY nice nurses and techs that they were fabulous to get us in and I really did appreciate it more than words can express. And then something amazing happened. We got an appointment for the next morning WITH sedation. Glenn and I were surprised, no, we were stunned! Stunned I say! We got the instructions and headed for the car, stunned. 

In the car, I looked at Glenn, he looked at me and he said: A fucking cracker! We laughed and Bug played quietly with his Doodle Pro. We thought he would sleep. Shows you what we know.

Today, I was again in the Hospital walking its halls heading to Pediatrics. I hate going to Ped's in Hospitals, I spent some time there as a kid and I easily imagine all the heartache in the place. And I also imagine the hope, but mostly I imagine the Mom's and Dad's who resolutely sit by, helpless to intercede in the battle their child wages. All they can do is be supportive and strong and pray. A lot. I know how those prayers go. Too many prayers for too many children that should be outside running and playing and getting dirty but instead are hooked to machines and spending Christmas in sterile rooms. I looked at my boy holding my hand and I felt the same way I felt almost 6 years ago when I saw him the first time. Awe, love and fear. I adore this boy. He is is father and he is perfect to me. He is a handful and I would not trade it. Ever. But I must have answers, and I must find a way to ease these seizures.

There are some parents who would argue: It is who he is, accept it and live with it and make him comfortable, this is normal to him. We have accepted this is who he is, we have to put locks on the outside doors that he can't operate or can't reach, and we do it and we don't complain. But, when he wakes from a night of 2 or 3 seizures and he paces and cries because he is aching...people forget that ALL the muscles in his little body constrict. They tighten, as tight as they can, for a minute or two and then they relax only to do it again few hours later. By the look on his face, we know he hurts, physically hurts, we give him Ibuprofen and hope it helps. We may never know if it does, he may never talk and I accept that. BUT, I must do all that I can to alleviate the pain I see in his beautiful face almost every morning. This is my mission!  So I placed him on the bed and answered all the questions and watched him slowly start to get upset.

I smiled when he was upset, only because I know what will happen next and I like to watch people, especially women, react. I am cruel, sort of. When Bug gets enclosed, he will reach for and/or grab anyone he thinks can help him escape. Once he secures him/her in his very strong grasp, he will kiss and then tug. It is hysterical. True to form, every woman in the room, two BYU nursing students, Susan (the sedation nurse), Linda (his nurse) and the very wonderful lady that helps him adjust to being in the hospital (forgive me, her name escapes me), all got hugged, tugged and smooched. He makes people smile, even when he is grumpy. That's my boy.

After a great conversation with Dr. Osguthorpe, Bug was given the IV. I say that matter-of-fact-ly but...it was interesting. By the time they were ready for the IV, all of the people in the room had felt his strength. *I* am used to it and can muscle him back, but they were concerned. SO...I held him, Dr. O held him, the two BYU students held him and Linda had his arm, needle poised precariously above it. I joked; he has good veins. Linda agreed, to which my response was: You're welcome, they're mine. Everyone giggled and Bug wailed. Now, with 4 adults on him, he stood up. No joke, he STOOD UP, and I took him back to his knees but had to let go of one arm to do it which he promptly used to grab at Linda. She brushed it away as if she were a linebacker protecting the quarterback, she's that good. Oddly, the needle didn't make him jump, the catheter did and we all struggled to keep him still. I knew I should have climbed on the bed and pinned him but...no matter it's done.

A few minutes later, as I was holding him, trying to comfort him, he slowly started to quiet down and then, gently drifted to sleep. This was the part I was dreading. I had to leave the last time I watched him sedated. It made me too sad for some reason. But I couldn't leave ever again and I didn't have a choice anyway, Glenn had to go into work. It was so gentle the way he drifted to sleep, I was surprised and relieved. They called for the EEG tech and ten minutes later I watched him start to lock up. 

'Oh, seizure.' I said quietly. And three nurses ran to his side but I was there first. Linda called out time and I held him, reassuring him and waited for it to pass. I turned him on his side so he didn't choke on his saliva and watched him start to blink. It wasn't bad. Not full T/C. Dr. O came in a few seconds later but it was over. He asked how long. I said: less than a minute and asked Linda how long it really was: 45 seconds. Damn, I'm good. Damn...I don't want to be able to gauge time like that.

We may have missed it but at least we learned a few things: 

1 - The sedation did NOT hinder his brainwaves enough to suppress the seizures (sad but good)
2 - His brain was in pattern for seizure activity. Meaning we would get realistic and a probably VERY accurate look at how his brain acts when he seizes without actually seeing the seizure itself. (good and good)

Glenn came in as they were placing the electrodes. And Bug slept deeply, and contently with no more seizures. He did have sudden all over spikes, which is fairly normal for a youngster, but nothing that anyone there went: Wow, look at that. At one point, he woke up slightly and stretched, pulling 5 electrodes off in one swoop of the hand. They had to stop and reattach them. I couldn't help but giggle. Even asleep he wanted nothing to do with it. They tried a strobe light to see if it would kick off a seizure. He barely reacted to it. When it was over, he did NOT want to wake up, he was too content. We all tugged on him and petted him and called his name...and he slept. 30 minutes later, he woke up...pissed. 20 minutes after that we walked him down the hall to the amazement of the nurses. I guess most kids aren't that stable that soon after. He has GREAT balance. He was a little lethargic for a few hours and didn't eat much for the rest of the day, but he did fine really.

So now we wait until the 19th. On the 19th, Dr., Vincent will decipher the EEG for us and we will start medication. I am scared and hopeful. I have watched my happy little boy disappear into silence. I have pounded on that wall between us and I am beginning to see the small cracks appear. It won't be too long before it's shattered and he begins to understand, and be a part of the world around him. And I will no longer dread the dark but welcome sleep as renewal  and a break from the madness of active toddlers. Seems simple and yet..still feels so far away. 






Tuesday, November 18, 2008

July 4th Parade

What? In November? Better late than never. Turns out when you loan 'other' people the camera you get picts of the PARADE and not the family. Go figure. So there aren't too many of people I actually KNOW. About the Princess...Tay saw her coming and when she got close enough, Tay blew her a kiss. The Princess saw it and blew a kiss back...this is her right after the kiss is thrown. Bug...well...he pretty much was just hot and unhappy :).

 

 



Friday, November 14, 2008

Bubble Time!

We were in Utah, it was warm, the kids needed outdoor time. So we decided Bubbles where perfect. We bought a bubble grill, took it outside and captured the fun as it developed. Bug was little out of it but Tay and Megan were in full swing!

 



Thursday, November 13, 2008

It's raining

I love the rain and the wind. Dunno why actually but I do. Tonight I am in heaven. So...I downloaded the images from Halloween and found so much more that in the rush of moving, I had forgotten all about. Like going up to the mountain in June and letting the kids play in the stream. And July 4th. Glenn's birthday...we played pin the tale on the donkey and I have the pictures to prove it! The Pumpkin Patch in Utah this year and of course Halloween at Omniture and the new house. Sigh..but the images will not upload..so we wait.

 



Saturday, November 8, 2008

Is it me?

I haven't felt like posting.

I am a happy person. I have a lot to be happy about. Life is good. Well, except the Boy is still having almost nightly seizures, but at least we have another appointment to see yet another Doctor and I will run this one into the ground before I let him out of all the tests I want. BUT...

I haven't felt like talking. Odd for me.

I look back on the past few months and they have been very painful. I have been betrayed a few times by people I thought I should be able to trust and it has taken its toll. Didn't realize it until today. I can't look as many strangers in the eye, I don't feel like making friends. Most seem to take what they want and leave. Or I become the butt of the joke. It hurts and I am very tired of being talked about. My life is helping people. I make them smile, I give them hope, I validate them and I ask for nothing but friendship in return and I get my whole life made into a sport. I opened my heart, I gave my time and then they talk about how selfish and inconsiderate I am because I don't call (Not you Nando...never you!). I validate their emotions and they make fun of mine. And Glenn, he has been born the brunt of some of it. Poor, sweet man. Just straight and stupid jealousy caused his pain. And I just don't have the energy to be charming at the moment, outside of my own family and a few very select friends. Again, I am rambling but I need to speak it. And so I have. No pity. I am done.



Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Tagged: 7 times 8 (oops)

8 Favorite TV Shows

  1. Top Gear
  2. CSI (the original)
  3. Iron Chef America
  4. NCIS
  5. Law and Order (any) 

8 Favorite Restaurants

  1. Baja Fresh
  2. Windy's Sukiyaki
  3. Chuck E. Cheese (the pizza is better now but still..it's just that the kids love it)
  4. Panera Bread Company
  5. Sonic
  6. Wendy's
  7. Olive Garden (can't get enough of that salad!) 
  8. Pizza Hut

8 Things that Happened Yesterday

  1. Slept
  2. Woke Up
  3. Got a PO Box 
  4. Changed my address a the Credit Union 
  5. Got my halloween costume 
  6. Unpacked the Uhaul 
  7. Returned the Uhaul 
  8. Slept

8 Things to Look Forward to

  1. Getting settled in Utah
  2. Getting Bug and Taylor to school 
  3. Bug to a Doctor 
  4. Me to a Doctor
  5. Thanksgiving in Seattle
  6. Meeting my great nephew 
  7. Helping other couples get pregnant 
  8. Sleeping without worry

8 Things I Love about Fall

  1. That I will actually have a Fall for the first time in 10 years! 
  2. Not being in California
  3. Everything!

8 Things on My Wish List

  1. No more seizures for Bug
  2. No more seizures for Bug
  3. No more seizures for Bug
  4. No more seizures for Bug
  5. No more seizures for Bug
  6. No more seizures for Bug
  7. No more seizures for Bug
  8. No more seizures for Bug

8 Friends I Tag

  1. Everyone that reads this...that should be about 4 people :)


Monday, October 6, 2008

Life is what happens...

On Tuesday morning of last week, I got a call. A bad call. To date, the worst call of my life. Glenn called to tell me his father had passed away in his sleep.

What? No answers, just gone. K, that ain't right.

It doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel real, it feels numb. Even now, after seeing him off with grace and dignity, he's not gone to me. He's in my mind so clearly, sitting beside me, telling me stories about his adventures, teaching me about rocks and minerals....holding our children. How can Grandpa Glenn be gone when I can still smell him and hear him?

I can feel his love and support still, his words echo in my ears: Welcome to the family. That was 14 years ago and I can still feel that bear hug! He's still with me and always will be. I still think in the same terms: Wow, that was spicy! Your Dad will love this!....and I cry.

Beautiful man, smart, funny, compassionate, kind, firm, dedicated, loyal, diligent, faithful...they don't make him like that, and I mean they never did. He was a unique person, and I do not exaggerate. No one has ever been on this earth, in his way, so purely selfless. So often misunderstood, but brilliance usually is. I see him in his boys, strong men, loving men, totally frustrating men they are so independent. Grandpa Glenn always took the high road, was always honest and never had anything to ever be ashamed of, he lived so wholesomely. People missed that about him because he was so intensely private, they rarely were there when he stopped to help someone on the side of the road, or jumped in his boat to race to a car that had gone off a bridge and into the water, intent on helping (turns out they were filming a TV show :) )but he and his boy, MY boy were going to help no matter the personal cost!

He was always thinking of others, and especially his children. They were the center of all he did. Many years ago, he was approached by the property master filming a movie, Grandpa Glenn had just purchased some surplus equipment and the man inquired if they could use some, or all, of it for a couple scenes, offering payment. Sure, he said: But I won't charge you if my kids get to be on set. So, when Peter Venkman, Egon Spengler and Ray Stantz are thrown out of the University and their office is being cleaned out...yea, that was Dad's equipment. And his kids were there.

I once told him I needed to get an alternator for Glenn's car...and I was hoping to buy a rebuilt as money was tight back then. I told him I would be heading down to the parts store at 7:30 the next morning. At 7:00 am there was  knock on the door and this greasy hand came shooting at me gripping an alternator. Here, he said, I think it's the right mounts for a chevy. I had to dig through a box of 5 but I think this is it. And, I'll be damned, it was. He watched me fix it (not one to intefere unless asked), and we drove it around the block.  You see, it turns out that Geologists are great to have around, the good ones don't trust anyone else to repair their equipment and so they stock the most wonderful things!  I believe I earned his respect when we were at a junk yard and I found him a 5 ton hydrologic jack and bell housing. I dragged the jack over, he stood there with this grin on his face, watching me, and I said: I think you can use this. He smiled like a kid who had just seen the world largest gumdrop and said: I think I sure can!

I am really gonna miss him.



Tuesday, September 16, 2008

He's a great Big Brother!

We were driving, all of us, and Taylor had her hat. She demanded her pink hat so she would stay out of the sun. So, we fetched it, she wore it and we went outside, got in the Cruiser and headed somewhere. Don't ask, I can't remember, life is a blur right now.

While heading to that somewhere, the princess fell asleep and her hat rolled off her head. Bug saw the hat go, stuck out his foot and stopped it. He brought his foot up, grabbed her hat and placed it back on her head.

All the women in the car: Awwww!!!!!

Bug: Smiles and reaches for a french fry.



Darling Boy


The first time I heard John Lennon's Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy) I thought: How lovely. And I learned all the words.
I would sing it loudly, and with great emotion, whenever I heard it playing.
A few years back it took on a new meaning to me. Of course it would be that way, becoming a mother to a son. It is a natural emotional progression. And the song would make me smile.
And it was added to my iPod, of course, to sing and sing and sing whenever I felt like finding it. Two years ago, next month, it became something entirely different. I would hear it and sing it but I would feel a twinge of fear, almost despair that I would never see my son grow to manhood like John. Of course, it would be my son taken from me, instead of his loss of a mother. And I learned to live with the fear and I learned to enjoy that song again and began to gather pictures to create a video for my darling boy using John's words as my backdrop.

One night last year it began to change again. Every night became something to fear. The sun going down turned to dread and the song makes me cry. I can not sing it loudly, I push back tears. I watch him sleep and I listen for any sound that may warn me a seizure is about to occur. I wake at the slightest sigh, it is like having a newborn again, only this newborn is not crying for hunger, he is screaming before a grand mal. He is beautiful, he is so strong and I watch him sleep. I wait for the time in the night when I rush to his side to comfort him until it is over. And I pray, every night as he drifts to sleep., I pray that this night will be restful for him. He must sleep near us, we have to be there, 'just in case'. Just in case he has one and his lungs forget to expand again, and his heart does not slow down enough, or his tongue gets bitten. This is night time for him and for me. And John's song reaches into my heart more than ever...as I watch him sleep.

Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)
Close your eyes,
Have no fear,
The monsters gone,
He's on the run and your daddy's here,
Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,
Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better,
Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,
Out on the ocean sailing away,
I can hardly wait,
To see you to come of age,
But I guess we'll both,
Just have to be patient,
Cuz it's a long way to go,
A hard row to hoe,
Yes it's a long way to go,
But in the meantime,
Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is what happens to you,
While you're busy making other plans,
Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,
Darling,
Darling,
Darling Sean.



Tuesday, September 9, 2008

A girl and her fortune

We had some Chinese food. When one moves houses, one eats a lot of fast foot and ingests jinormous mounts of Coca Cola. All hail the mighty junkiness of it all. So, we ingested some Chinese fast food one night and Daddy gave Taylor her Fortune Cookie.

She has had many fortune cookies. She gets it.

She takes the cookie, turns her back to walk away and opens it. She turns back toward Glenn and hands him the paper fortune quickly and turns away again heading toward the couch. Glenn takes the paper and queries:

What did your fortune say?

Taylor stops dead in her tracks, does a half turn back toward him and points saying:

It says: watch out for alligators.

 

 



Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Blah blah blah

I said: Tay eat your waffles.

She said while extending her hands out: Blah blah blah.

I turned to Glenn, he looked at me, and we laughed. God forgive us we couldn't help it. I think we need to find a nunnery, sooner than later. I did tell her not to say that to me when I was serious. But it was too late. Even *I* wouldn't take me seriously.



Monday, August 25, 2008

Ok, seriously...

We can't find the Magna Doodle. And I much prefer getting smacked with the smaller one than the one he has now. Damn the luck.

 

Just to give you an idea, the big Cars one is 16.9 x 12.6 x 2 inches and the small one we can't find is 8 x 5 x 1 inches. Yeah, the big one sucks to take on the leg...or the arm...or the head. Oh and they aren't called Magna Doodle anymore...they are Doodle Pro™. Whatever.



Monday, July 28, 2008

Bug's Parade

Bug isn't a show off, but he loves people. He's not shy, or reserved in any way. The Doctor noted: lacks social boundaries. I say he can't talk, wants to be a part of the action and he's 5! And 5 sucks. When he saw his sister and Mommy walking down the street, of course he wanted to join in the walking. So, he and Daddy joined the parade with Magna Doodle in tow. He did eventually relinquish the Doodle, I was just too busy to know if he gave it away. I hope we still have it.  







Monday, July 21, 2008

Parade Pictures

 

Parade



Pioneer Days Children's Parade

I think it is fair to say that Dad has 'a thing' for July. Maybe it's that he is a 40+ year federal employee and a veteran, or maybe it's just the excitement of the celebrations themselves, but we always had fun in July.

As a little girl we use to do ALL the 4th of July celebrations. Morning Breakfast's with whomever is sponsoring the event, then carnivals, the sawdust scramble for coins, winning fish and then the fireworks. The absolute craziest year was the Soccer exhibition I played in while it was 106 degrees outside. Yeah, that was insane. INSANELY FUN!

So it was no wonder that they came to California for the 4th. And, it was lame. Not much to do. Did the parade. And the fireworks. I am used to fireworks in an open park, maybe a field, sometimes a Stadium but in Valencia, CA they shot them off the top of the Mall parking structure. We sat in the Target Parking Lot watching them. It was still fun, but no fish. Damn.

We vowed that the 24th would be better. In Utah, they celebrate the settling of the Salt Lake Valley on July 24th, 1847. They have the Day's of '47 rodeo and parade and prior to that, Ogden celebrates Pioneer Days. It's a week full of events: Rodeo's, luncheons, sales, and parades. Kicking off with the Children's parade.

Now, we did the Children's Parade several years when we were little girls. Decorating our bikes in red, white and blue and riding like little maniacs. It was a sight to behold in 1976 for the Bicentennial. Scary. But Cool. And this year, we didn't sign up, we were too late. I told Tay that the kids dress up and decorate their bikes and she could wave at them, She said: And see the princesses and blow them kisses! A light bulb went off and the next morning (the parade morning) I picked up Megan, who was visiting before heading out to Amber's, and we bought Tay a brand new Princess Costume.

We were a little late for the parade and ended up at the starting line. It only made sense for us to walk on. So we did.

 She looked so cute and Bug wanted to walk by Mom too. So, midway through we swapped. Daddy with Tay and Mommy with Bug. She was the belle of the parade and started to get shy. She would wave, but not blow kisses. We walked 5 blocks and it was a blast. The Ogden Police Department covered the parade and they were fantastic! Encouraging the kids and laughing with them! Can't wait to do it with her next year! Oh yeah, we will be back!

 



Monday, June 30, 2008

Her Happiness

We tried to have a baby for a very long time. About 7 years. There was nothing wrong we were told, just hadn't happened, It has a term: Unexplained Infertility. I can tell you that it is a crappy diagnosis. VERY. No reason, you just can't have it.

And in all that time, I cried only on Mother's Day. Locked myself in the bathroom and cried feeling sorry for myself. Really, that was all it was: Self pity. I wanted it and I couldn't have it.

But in all that time, I never bought a home pregnancy test, I only charted for a little while, I just lived every cycle like I hoped I was pregnant. It was long and it was lonely. I told no one. I shared nothing. I just hoped and prayed and offered my soul. But I was denied. Even my soul wasn't enough to buy Glenn and I a child.

And I never got jealous. I hear these women talk about having babies and how hard it is for them. I get that. Been there, have the badge. But when they say:' I can't believe that <insert name of newly pregnant woman here> is pregnant! I can't be around pregnant women, or babies.' THAT, I don't get. How can you, who has struggled to get pregnant, begrudge someone else their pregnancy? Sorry, I just don't get it. I KNOW they feel empty, and they feel useless. I KNOW they feel despair and sometimes anger. But to not be able to set that aside and be genuinely happy that someone ELSE doesn't have to feel all those miserable things? But maybe she did. Maybe it was her 6th pregnancy and first one to carry to term, or maybe she was violated and the baby was forced onto her. You never know. If I could tell them ONE thing without being attacked for not understanding it would be: Some day it will be you, and some other woman who has tried for too long will look at you and be jealous. And YOU will not pay attention to it, you will be so thrilled it is your turn that HER misery will not be apparent. Do not look at other women with jealousy, this will eat at you and you will not want to go out, or visit your new nephew, look at them with hope. Look at me with hope. I have NO idea why I have two children now. Really, no reason, except sex at the right time, in the right position. And it may never happen again. But I will not be so self-absorbed as to look at another pregnant woman with disdain because she has what I want. I will be happy for her. I will be happy to see that infant and I will feel like I am complete.

How can any woman deny her happiness?



Saturday, June 28, 2008

Maybe it's me

I wonder: Am I the only one that thinks it's obscene to read about a pack of teenagers beating a man to death with another 'news' story about how a young TV star has no problem taking off her clothes and showing the world her goodies whether we want to see them or not?

Where is the reality?

Wondering about the Top Story? Go ahead...guess.

Verne Troyer Sex tape. That's right. Excuse me, that TMZ DROPPED the sex tape. WTH? That this man has a sex tape is more important than ANYTHING else happening in the world that CNN decides is news. Watching someone else have sex is the foundation of society, evidently.

Oh and Number 2? Uma Thurman is engaged. Well, good for her. Will I get an invite? Because, really, that's the only way I might actually think this tidbit is important to me in any way. Or, if she picked my company to make the flowers. Aside from tha: have a nice life Uma. Hope you are very happy, congrats. Everyone wants to be happy. But, you know, some people are being beaten to death. Harsh? OK, I'll buy that was harsh and not directed at Miss Thurman in any way. But wasn't it true?

So I think; I vow not to NOT click on a story where I recognize any of the names.

Unless, someone sends me a link and wants to discuss it.

And I also vow to continue to be appalled by the lack of humanity in the new human experience. That I will always rant about teenagers with no guidance. Can't tell you why they abuse people, I don't know them. I can make blanket assumptions such as: Parents aren't there,or fell in with the wrong crowd and look for blame in some other place instead of where it lies: With the teenagers. I mean, really, did you NOT know that it was wrong to attack someone for their music player when you were 14? Could anyone have convinced you to strike another human being until they died? Because these kids did. They looked around and saw something they wanted, and, on impulse, or planned (doesn't matter the outcome was the same), they took it. And we, gave them exposure and attention. What we SHOULD be doing is crying out for their punishment! For the accountability that we, as a society, do not force upon our young people. THEY are the ones who chose this path, NO ONE forced this behavior and the majority of us want to see Verne Troyer's willie. How did this happen?



Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Taylor's FIRST Haircut

Yes, she is 3 and we just got around to her first haircut. Don't judge me.

She was born with a full head of dark hair and it just grew out and lightened up to the beautiful strawberry blonde she has now. She loves her hair. She likes for me to put ribbons and bows in it and sometimes, they even match her outfit. She has been bugging us to cut her hair for a while now and we finally gave in. Well, not so much gave in as recognized the necessity of it. So we took her to WalMart, of all places, and she sat VERY still while her hair was cut. Bangs and evened out the back. That was it. She wanted to keep it long, we wanted it out of her eyes. :) It was a compromise.



Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Well...it's ruined.

It's official. I meant to bitch about it two days ago when it became official, but I was just too damn upset. They done went and ruined my fantasy. The bastards. Top Gear IS coming to America. I should be happy right? I should be excited to see them test more American cars that I can go down and bribe someone to test drive...but nope. I ain't. And for good reason.

Adam Carolla.

Now, I think the man is funny sometimes. But all I can see is women on trampolines. Chugging beer, 'Hi do you have Prince Albert in a can?', and stupid, macho stunts. Wait. Top Gear is pretty much all stupid stunts...with fast cars. But no bouncing boobies. I wonder how many half-naked women will be on the show? It's a show about CARS not hooters. I dread watching this with his moronic humor. But I will watch it just to critique it.

Now, they do have two other men (Tanner Foust and Eric Stromer) that will be presenting but, really? Who cares? Adam will most likely ruin it and it won't matter how good everyone else is.

Jay Leno turned it down because he just didn't think anyone could do justice to the original. I disagree. We, Americans, have a rich and colorful (sometimes ridiculous - eh hem the Gremlin) automotive history. Not to mention the whoring done by manufacturers on both sides of the pond. So, it has potential. Especially in L.A. They could have some seriously great celebrity laps, but Adam will ruin it. He will bring his juvenile buddies on the show and they will do videos about their inside jokes, and let's face it.: Not EVERYONE should have their 15 minutes. It will be ripe with potty humor and feel like three guys sitting in a burned out garage in Iowa. No edginess, no stunning videography, no sharp jabs at political icons, just Coors and a short-blocked 350 Chevy in the background. And I just BET that there will be a calendar on the wall...a calendar with scantily clad collagen-kissed bimbos on a Camaro / Corvette. Oh and the lighting will suck.  

Please, let me be wrong. Please oh please let me be wrong. But...I bet I'm not. Sniff.



Sunday, June 8, 2008

Bob's Big Boy - Burbank Landmark

 

Forget all the celebrities that have passed through the doors of this, most famous, of Burbank's landmarks. Forget the movies that have been shot on location. Forget that the food really is unremarkable, no offense intended, but they don't serve a killer bolognaise. I mean my Chicken Fried Steak was yummy but forget that too. Last night was all about Bug.

We went to the Computer Fair, looked at RVs (yea, we may have toddlers but we ARE still getting old) and then we decided food would be good. Debbie suggested Bob's and I jumped! Love the atmosphere of the place and I love to hear Debbie talk about all the people she has worked with, and has known in her tenure at Disney, that have graced its booths. I did not expect what we received.

Bug ate well. He carried in a bag of Dorito's, don't judge me, and I had little hope for the dinner. But we tried and he ate. He ate a lot. He had salad, and some bread, he had fish and some spaghetti. When he was done, he got bored. Very bored and wanted OUT of the highchair. Out in the worst way and he beseeched all who walked within his grasps to assist him in his escape. He reached out, time and again, and snagged, time and again, waitress after waitress, after bus boy. And, as if Marisol, our waitress, wasn't wonderful enough to him, hugging him and holding his hand, every one of the personeel stopped and talked to him. EVERYONE! This, had never happened before in California. Of course, most of the staff are actors or actress in training and NOT from California so I shouldn't have been shocked but still...there I was...almost in tears I was so thrilled!

They all asked him questions and when I explained he didn't talk, they said, to the person, oh that's OK *we* can talk to *him*. And they hugged him as he tugged on them to release the harness. They gave him a balloon and one for Taylor. They gave him ice cream, and one for Taylor. These things bought us some time to finish, it was heaven. And when we finally relented, and let Courtney take him from the chair, he tried to run away. But she was too quick. She had a grip on him like any linebacker on a Quarterback I have ever seen. He couldn't shake her. It was beautiful.

The girls walked out with us and gave us their phone number. They were so taken with the kids they offered to babysit. So much for New Yorkers being rude, huh? They were the sweetest girls, maybe a tad naive, but still it was appreciated. I told Glenn in the car, that I will only eat at Bob's. The 25 miles trip is more than worth it! Of course that's not entirely true. Not entirely but pretty close. Thank you wonderful Bob's Big Boy's employees! You made my year!



Friday, May 30, 2008

I forgot...

The classic Tay-ism on the pier.

While we were walking back, she asked if we could go to the beach again. I explained that the sun was down and we couldn't see very well, so...no.

Evidently, this was not good enough.

Nope, I want to go to da Beach.

I say: How about a vote? And remember Daddy breaks the tie vote. Raise your hand if you want to go to the beach.

Taylor raised her hand.

Raise your hand if you want to get in the car, go home and have ice cream. Glenn and I raise our hands.

I say: So there we go. Going home.

She says: But I have two hands! Vote again.



Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The 14th Anniversary

14. Years. 14 years. Glenn still thinks it's only the culmination of 13 and not a full 14. I say this every year: 0 - 1 is one, one complete year, you are just trying to get a pass on (insert whatever year is next). But ya, another year bites the dust.

And we had fun. We usually do. We took the kiddos to the beach because, well, we all might as well enjoy it and we don't have a babysitter.

We left a little on the late side, it's an hour and half drive to the beach we prefer. Taylor fell asleep and Bug was just Bug and lovin' the ride. he was clapping and yelling, He was excited to be moving.

When we got there the sun was setting and the lighting was gorgeous. We let the kids run and be kids, until Bug took me to the car, signaling what he thought was the end of the beach time. But we piled him in the stroller and walked the pier. And we looked and the ocean. And we appreciated what we had. And then we began to work on 15.

Pictures and video to follow.



Monday, May 26, 2008

People

 

I am a people person. I watch. I listen. And I project: Trust Me with your deepest darkest secrets. Most importantly: I do not betray that trust.

I rode the train to work when we lived in Chicago. Loved it. I read an amazing amount of books and wrote an amazing amount of ridiculous stories and poems. But, no matter what I was doing, I always found someone wanted to talk. I should say they wanted to be heard. And I heard. I actually listened. I tried to be positive. I even hugged a depressed man who had just found out he was HIV positive and I was the first person he had told. He needed someone that could listen and he picked me. Why?

I wonder about him, and about the man that used to sing me songs on the way to bet on the ponies. I wonder how many people have sit in the seats I sat in and listened to the lonely people. I wonder if stupid girls are still climbing the stairs and sitting on the top wearing short skirts. And now, you are too. But really, those trains taught me that I do project 'trust me'. Not a bad thing. I am more than OK with that, I can work with it. So I ask: Could you? Could you be the person to listen and console? Could you hug a stranger?

Let me know will ya?

Thanks.

Oh and for the record: Happy DOES NOT mean stupid.



Thursday, May 22, 2008

The coolest 3 year old!

I live with the coolest 3 yr old on the planet. Don't bother arguing, I won't listen. So, here's why:

Last night we were watching Mythbusters. They were testing the myth that a man got stuck on a ski lift and he used his denim pants to get down. He removed his jeans, threw one leg over the cable and grabbed both legs, sliding down the cable to safety.

(From Utah, calling bullshit. But a slight discussion did ensue at our house about lubricant and temperature...oddly we talk about those two things a lot.)

They tested the solution with a new Buster. Before they cut to commercial, they showed Buster falling. Taylor said this:

'Oh, I would fall and kill myself.'

Yep, being 3, I assume that as fact. :)

Later, as she was chewing her gum (don't judge me) she was watching Adam and Jamie testing something or other using guNpowder. She heard guMpowder and when that went up...she took her gum out and exclaimed:

'GUMPOWDER! Mommy!'

As if I was attempting to off her by letting her chew gum! After I stopped laughing, I explained the difference. Gum went back in mouth and she watch the rest of the show quietly.

I was actually more amazed that she was watching Mythbusters AND paying attention. Especially after the fit she threw to watch Wow Wow Wubbzy not even 10 minutes before. Discovery should be very pleased with themselves and Adam and Jamie might just have themselves a new helper. In 18 years.

 

 



Wednesday, May 21, 2008

My take on...


The eternal Operating System debate:

Sigh. For years I have stood in the shadows listening to the latest dreg about the superior operating system du jeur. Really, a true professional doesn't care what is presented to him/her, they learn it, they support it, they make it work. I am not lazy or a snob when it comes to the operating system.

I have supported mixed environments for almost two decades. And by mixed I mean Mac and Windows and HP UNIX and IBM (remember OS/2?) and Novell. Maybe BeOS too. And there is one universal: As a System Administrator you MUST suck it up and support whatever wackiness is presented to you. THIS is how you excel in your job. Most Sys Admins will complain and hem and haw about the Mac if they have supported only Windows and the MAC Admin will hate Windows. And me? I hate them equally. They have their quirks. They all make assumptions about the end user and can be laborious and frustrating. But my job has been to eliminate the crashes and the missteps and help the end user be more productive. I adapt. I am not lazy, I will learn the weaknesses and the strengths of each and build them to work together politely.

I don't have a preference, I don't care. I can build a stable network with anything the financial guy throws at me. I won't make excuses about the system requirements or the licensing. I will tell them what they need and then I will assemble it. Any Sys Admin that has a preference will only be able to last as long as the next CTO. Because, sure as hell, the next CTO will want to 'shake things up' and build the best and the fastest and that probably won't include anything that you have worked on or worse yet, your nemesis. So find that other job, the one with the O/S you really like and make all your excuses as to why it is better. Go ahead. And I will come in and make the system that you hate, work. And I will charge double what you did, because I did what you wouldn't. I dumped the ego involvement and built an enterprise infrastructure that works.



Getting back in the Game

How does one jump back into the technical market? It's not like I have been gone actually, I have been consulting and building products and services. But it feels, well, like I am handicapped because I owned my own business. Successful as it was, I still feel that it may not look that way. I hope I am imagining things and that I find the right people who recognize the skills. Sometimes, that is really all it takes isn't it? Luck. The right place at the right time...you know. Now, I gotta find that place. :)



Monday, May 19, 2008

Great Nephew

I mean Great Nephew as in my Niece just had a baby. And he is pretty great but still...Great Aunt Annette is creeping me the hell right out. Doesn't stop me from wanting to get my hands on that baby though. I just have to be patient. I am not so good at patient. So let's get on with what the women all want to see: The baby.

 

Jared Walker Hansen

May 10, 2008

8 lbs 3 oz 20"

 



Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Six words late.

Ok, so I am late. Been...busy/depressed/enjoying somethings and deciding which drug I should start ingesting. But, I do this for Bill so here goes:



Summarize your life in a six word memoir, with optional photo illustration. Then tag six others.


If I were to seriously do this I would pick these six:




Woman, love, hope, heal, empathy, give





No sentence structure. Sorry.










Now let me 'splain.


Woman: All those wonderful and terrible things that go along with it. Wife, daughter, friend, Mother. Strength to endure and compassion to nurture.


Love: Unconditionally the best movtivator. Love rules all and cures all woes. Some may argue more has been done in the name of religion. But isn't that another type of love? Love of God? Moving on.


Hope: I have dared to hope for myself and for others. It has taught me perseverance and to not be complacent with it. To work to achieve that which you hope for the most. And, I have found that all I have hope for has become mine.


Heal: Accept the tragedies and continue to live your life with grace and dignity. Do not let despair consume you, heal the emotional wounds and the physical scars will bear witness to your triumph.


Empathy: Remember the emotions of others. Do your best to not cause them harm. Feel how it would feel to be there, at that time, and support those who need it. Do not expect it in return. It will build you into a fine human being.


Give: Replace everything you think you need to make you happy with the things that make others happy. It will return to you. Give to receive. It will show the character of a man, in his ability to be selfless. And by He I mean humankind. All men and women.


I am not naive, I am hopeful. I am hopeful that this world is worthy of the lives I give to it. My children will have an unknown impact on an unknown number of men and women. I must prepare them for that. I must give them the tools to live worthy of the legacy of their forefathers.


And to keep off the grass.

 


 


 



Sunday, May 4, 2008

I am addicted...

I admit it. I love fast cars. Fast cars with attitude and absolutely no chance of ownership on my part. So, it stands to reason that I am addicted to the BBCA show Top Gear. There I said it. I watch it every time I find it on...in between Sponge Bob and Scooby Doo. If you don't know The Stig than you just need to watch more, or watch at all. Even if you don't get into the specs, the racing, the presenters building amphibian cars and attempting to cross The Channel, it's just a really good laugh. So far, James Blunt is at the top of my list for great interviews and reasonably-priced-car lap.

 

I admit to fantasizing about a full colonies version...where I get to host. Yep. Host...not just drive the track and get the fastest time in the P.O.S. du jeur, but go for the gusto: Host. The token chick. I can be that. I can completely suck it up and be that to just be in the room with an Aston Martin DB9. In the room! Not behind the wheel, although I sooo want to be behind the wheel. Yeah. Sex on wheels.

Heavy sigh. A v10 kinda sigh. Screw 4 bucks a gallon!



Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Funkies

So, what do you do when you have the funks?

I have been down and out for a while now and this last week didn't help much. I thought it would be a pleasant time with family and it turned into so much less than expected. Made the funks worse. So I thought: I will watch videos. And I did.

All I could think of? I want Bug to have friends. I want him to be able to communicate what he wants. I want people to interact with him and not ignore him. I want him to never be hurt. But these things may not happen and I have to resign myself to that. He is beautiful and happy, regardless. He is sweet and cuddly and a million other wonderful adjectives, maybe a few not so wonderful too, but hey, he is 5 and 5 sucks.

I moved on for a second. A split second and thought: too bad I won't have more children. I really thought I was going to have more but this past week made me think it was a bad idea. It was an idea that I seemed to will into being and that isn't fair or smart. Maybe the loss in August was the universe telling me to be done. I really think I will listen and try to enjoy what I have, and what those I love have. But this thought also makes the funks worse. I haven't told Glenn, mostly because I am sure he won't really care what my reasons are. He will just try to talk me out of it because he knows I wanted it. But, I see what the future may look like and another little one may not make that future any brighter, in fact, may just make it more frustrating.

I think I need to move on to the damn haircut. :)



Thursday, April 10, 2008

A litle girl and her ladybug

Taylor just brought me her ladybug.

Sounds cute doesn't it? Well it was. Darn cute in fact. And then an hour went by and she was still holding it. Talking to it. And now she is trying to get it to eat so she can keep it. When I tell her that the ladybug needs to be let go outside her almost 3 year old response:

But Buddy will squish her.

Can't argue with that, he will.



Friday, March 28, 2008

Friday, March 28, 2008

 

We all lose ourselves at some point. We hide, we forget, and sometimes we just leave it behind but it is gone nonetheless and we are forced to reinvent. Not such an easy thing. We have to look around us and evaluate who and what we have in our lives that benefit us and what is there that hinders our development. Tough love? Self-preservation.

I had an indentity crisis. I made light of it but it turns out it cut me to my core. I was, I thought, an psuedo-intellectual. A bright woman with a strong career in Technology. A shining star? Maybe not, but I could hold my own and then some. I may not have been the best at explaining but I was good at solving the problem. And I got a call. I gave a reference and I realized...I gave it all up for my kids. They are 5 and 3 at the current time and they will be in school or pre-school soon. I thought we might have another child but that may or may not happen so I can't count on it but what I can count on is being bored and missing talking to another geek. Glenn is a geek but we have been married long enough now that he is good at tuning me out. It happens, not his fault, all people do it when they have been together almost 16 years. He won't think he does so I don't bring it up, but I am really missing big people and communication that isn't all about children. And, forgive me, but screw anyone that thinks I don't appreciate my children, I would die for them, that's NOT the issue. I love being a Mom, I never thought it would happen so I really do love my children, they are both miracles to me. But that doesn't change that I gave up who I was for them and then, someday soon, they will have lives of their own and they will give up needing me around and I will be expected to just continue on. As if nothing has changed and I will re-invent myself again. But that moment, that brief conversation, made me think about where I would be. Where I could be and I resent that I am not there. That I am not a voice to be heard, but a SAHM. It's confusing if you have never been through it and I don't expect anything to really change because I am venting. I don't expect to feel better. I just had to say it. Me and my ramblings.

I think I'll just cut my hair.



Thursday, March 27, 2008

Easter

Easter was fun. I felt poorly but the kids had a blast!

Taylor understood the concept of the Easter Bunny, I suppose it has something to do with the candy and not so much that a fluffy animal carries it to millions of children. But at least she was thrilled to see her brother's basket. Bug was thrilled there were Pringles. He likes chips. A Lot. He likes chips a lot. He ate them for breakfast. It's Easter, don't judge me.

Tay demanded to wear her Belle dress and I mean demanded. Not held her breath, she doesn't get that yet, thank god, but brought it to me and said: I want to wear this! Now!  I made her say Please, I'm not that much of a push-over.

 

They found all 48 eggs in the yard and opened them. We are swimming in Gummi Crabby Patties. I may never need to buy any other candy, ever. OK. That's a lie, I need chocolate right now but there isn't any left. They both had a good time and that is all that matters.

True to form, at the end of the day, Taylor asked when the Easter Bunny would be back. I told her a whole year. She bartered: Tomorrow?

 



Friday, March 21, 2008

Another Sad Day

I hate to blog like this, with sad news, but everyone needs to open their heart and have their voice heard when they are sad. I am no different. I am saddened by the loss of a dear man, a very loving man with a wonderful family. 

I first met Bob and Lilo, and their boys, almost 18 years ago.  A wonderful family who always opened their home to us. Lilo would cook us Bratwurst, but never ate any herself. I always found this to be amazingly kind and I was grateful.

Their oldest boy Per I met only occasionally, he had a Military career, much like his father, but his included a Docorate of Medicine, so he was a very busy man. Their youngest, Erik, I met almost every month for years. A big strong man who was always happiest when doing things for others. Whether it was cutting their lawn or cooking their food, he was always giving to others whenever I saw him. But now, I cry. Erik is gone.

He died yesterday while at work and we found out today. I can not imagine how his parents are right now. I can only wish to be there and to help them and to console them but I am not there. They are without that boy that they formed so much of their lives around, what emptiness. Words are not mine today other than those. And these, I will borrow:

“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death” - Robert Fulghum

Good Bye darling boy, I will miss you.



Friday, March 7, 2008

An Update? No kidding?

I like to talk.

A lot. Sometimes I even say things people want to hear. But most times, I think, I ramble. Why do I do this? Hell if I know but I do. Knowing this, will I change, will I stop talking so much? Or did I just attempt to make myself feel

better by admitting I am a pain? Hmmm...a thought for another time but for now: an update.

We went to Idaho for Christmas, my sister lives there and EVERYONE in the family was going so, why not? It was fun and it was stress but at least the kids got a dog. Yes. I was drawn to the darn thing from the moment I saw him. Yeah, like I needed one more thing that poops in the house. But I did it...and I got him. Now...I'm gonna eat him. OK, so I am not gonna eat him, but it sounded good and he is a handful but beautiful so we'll just nibble away at the stubborn streak until he knows who the Big Dog is. He's doing better with the children and that's why I picked a Boxer.

After Christmas, we stayed in Utah for 7 weeks or so while the snow fell. It was a clean beginning to a new year. The snow blankets the dullness and brings a quiet that only 14 inches of it can absorb. It reenergized me and I re-modeled the downstairs bathroom. Sigh. It looks good though. And my chidren, for the first time in their lives were well enough to play in the snow!

We usually share the flu or some forsaken cold while in Utah but not this year. Well, we did but it wasn't bad enough to stop us! It was truly fantastic. We built our first ever snowman (which may still be somewhat standing) and Taylor got her hands sufficiently cold enough to know that she really should wear the bulky waterproof ones next time.

We played with Papa and Nana until Taylor told us it was time to go home and we packed up the Cruiser, once we dug it out, and came home to all that was left behind. And cleaned it.



Google - Not a medical pancea.

  “You should write this, “ Patty said to me, “You need to share this story of triumph using Google.” I wish I hadn’t said yes. Dr. Google A...