We all lose ourselves at some point. We hide, we forget, and sometimes we just leave it behind but it is gone nonetheless and we are forced to reinvent. Not such an easy thing. We have to look around us and evaluate who and what we have in our lives that benefit us and what is there that hinders our development. Tough love? Self-preservation.
I had an indentity crisis. I made light of it but it turns out it cut me to my core. I was, I thought, an psuedo-intellectual. A bright woman with a strong career in Technology. A shining star? Maybe not, but I could hold my own and then some. I may not have been the best at explaining but I was good at solving the problem. And I got a call. I gave a reference and I realized...I gave it all up for my kids. They are 5 and 3 at the current time and they will be in school or pre-school soon. I thought we might have another child but that may or may not happen so I can't count on it but what I can count on is being bored and missing talking to another geek. Glenn is a geek but we have been married long enough now that he is good at tuning me out. It happens, not his fault, all people do it when they have been together almost 16 years. He won't think he does so I don't bring it up, but I am really missing big people and communication that isn't all about children. And, forgive me, but screw anyone that thinks I don't appreciate my children, I would die for them, that's NOT the issue. I love being a Mom, I never thought it would happen so I really do love my children, they are both miracles to me. But that doesn't change that I gave up who I was for them and then, someday soon, they will have lives of their own and they will give up needing me around and I will be expected to just continue on. As if nothing has changed and I will re-invent myself again. But that moment, that brief conversation, made me think about where I would be. Where I could be and I resent that I am not there. That I am not a voice to be heard, but a SAHM. It's confusing if you have never been through it and I don't expect anything to really change because I am venting. I don't expect to feel better. I just had to say it. Me and my ramblings.
I think I'll just cut my hair.
[this is good] This is a good vent Nett... I know it's tough for you that you not only gave up so much but are out of touch with a large part of what you are and who you thought you'd be but I know one day soon, you'll get back to you. Maybe it'll come in little pieces... Maybe you'll slowly get back there... I have to also say, you know you're going to be a mom again... it's not easy for us to get there, we can't just lie down, think about pregnancy and poof it's there, but it happens for us and it will happen again for you. You're time is coming... MUAH!
ReplyDeleteI echo what my daughter said, however, there is nothing that says you cannot marry both worlds. When my ex-wife had my daughter and out of necessity, we needed the money, she returned to work on a part time basis and I noticed on the days she worked, that she was a completely different person. Maybe this little dose of reality can sooth your beast.
ReplyDeleteThanks you guys. I am in a better place this morning. And the funny thing is: it took Bug having a bad night to get me on my way there. Knowing that he needs me. But you both are correct. I am the eternal optimist but some days...:). I do think I will consult again, get the kiddos in school and create something beautiful for someone else. Thanks again, you are wonderful people!
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