The Funkies

So, what do you do when you have the funks?

I have been down and out for a while now and this last week didn't help much. I thought it would be a pleasant time with family and it turned into so much less than expected. Made the funks worse. So I thought: I will watch videos. And I did.

All I could think of? I want Bug to have friends. I want him to be able to communicate what he wants. I want people to interact with him and not ignore him. I want him to never be hurt. But these things may not happen and I have to resign myself to that. He is beautiful and happy, regardless. He is sweet and cuddly and a million other wonderful adjectives, maybe a few not so wonderful too, but hey, he is 5 and 5 sucks.

I moved on for a second. A split second and thought: too bad I won't have more children. I really thought I was going to have more but this past week made me think it was a bad idea. It was an idea that I seemed to will into being and that isn't fair or smart. Maybe the loss in August was the universe telling me to be done. I really think I will listen and try to enjoy what I have, and what those I love have. But this thought also makes the funks worse. I haven't told Glenn, mostly because I am sure he won't really care what my reasons are. He will just try to talk me out of it because he knows I wanted it. But, I see what the future may look like and another little one may not make that future any brighter, in fact, may just make it more frustrating.

I think I need to move on to the damn haircut. :)