We tried to have a baby for a very long time. About 7 years. There was nothing wrong we were told, just hadn't happened, It has a term: Unexplained Infertility. I can tell you that it is a crappy diagnosis. VERY. No reason, you just can't have it.
And in all that time, I cried only on Mother's Day. Locked myself in the bathroom and cried feeling sorry for myself. Really, that was all it was: Self pity. I wanted it and I couldn't have it.
But in all that time, I never bought a home pregnancy test, I only charted for a little while, I just lived every cycle like I hoped I was pregnant. It was long and it was lonely. I told no one. I shared nothing. I just hoped and prayed and offered my soul. But I was denied. Even my soul wasn't enough to buy Glenn and I a child.
And I never got jealous. I hear these women talk about having babies and how hard it is for them. I get that. Been there, have the badge. But when they say:' I can't believe that <insert name of newly pregnant woman here> is pregnant! I can't be around pregnant women, or babies.' THAT, I don't get. How can you, who has struggled to get pregnant, begrudge someone else their pregnancy? Sorry, I just don't get it. I KNOW they feel empty, and they feel useless. I KNOW they feel despair and sometimes anger. But to not be able to set that aside and be genuinely happy that someone ELSE doesn't have to feel all those miserable things? But maybe she did. Maybe it was her 6th pregnancy and first one to carry to term, or maybe she was violated and the baby was forced onto her. You never know. If I could tell them ONE thing without being attacked for not understanding it would be: Some day it will be you, and some other woman who has tried for too long will look at you and be jealous. And YOU will not pay attention to it, you will be so thrilled it is your turn that HER misery will not be apparent. Do not look at other women with jealousy, this will eat at you and you will not want to go out, or visit your new nephew, look at them with hope. Look at me with hope. I have NO idea why I have two children now. Really, no reason, except sex at the right time, in the right position. And it may never happen again. But I will not be so self-absorbed as to look at another pregnant woman with disdain because she has what I want. I will be happy for her. I will be happy to see that infant and I will feel like I am complete.
How can any woman deny her happiness?
[this is good] I think that the only time that was difficult for me to be around pregnancy and babies was immediately following my first loss. After a while, well, I came to see what you so eloquently stated above. My journey is my own. I cannot know another's journey... just like they cannot know mine... Beautiful post hun, hope nothing "inspired" it.
ReplyDeletetorture... no, I think you're idealistic nature leads you to go places you feel women need guidance... it's a lovely quality really!
ReplyDeleteI can't speak from personal experience on this one, not being a woman and all... =) But I do know why you won't deny others their happiness - because you're an intelligent, confident person who doesn't have a selfish bone in her body!
ReplyDeleteIt is the bane of my existence actually :). I hope that, at the least, my presence and my comments bring perspective, if nothing else.
ReplyDeleteOh darling, I hope that I am selfless but I have my moments :). Like now. I am debating hiding the other 2 liter of Coke just so we don't run out and I have to fetch more. :). But alas, I won't. Damnit!
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