Bogeyman

I remember when I was afraid of the dark. I would slip into bed, surround myself with all of my stuffed animals, pull my feet up as close to my chest as I could get them (because my sisters had me convinced that something would suck my feet under the bed) and tell myself stories until I fell asleep. On the days when my sister wasn't asleep before me, we would talk through the wall. I can't recall what we would talk about but I imagine it was planning the next summertime adventure.

If I had anywhere in the house to go. I would run there. Not just because that's what children do: run everywhere. But because our Father had drilled into us to turn out the lights when we were leaving the room.  Ergo, the only lights that were on, where the ones in the room where we were. So, I ran into, and away from the dark. 

As I got older, I loved the dark. I became a creature of the night. I would stay out all night, sleep a few hours (if that) and then go to work. My parents had no problem with this AS LONG AS I fulfilled my obligations. I believe the quote was: What do I care if you are sleepwalking, as long as you are sleepwalking at work. I would go dancing for hours, met some great friends and just enjoyed the liberty of youth. 

Once I started working at Nordstrom, I started having problems with sleep. If I didn't get at least 6 hours, I would throw up. I began a Prilosec regime and my need for sleep was less an issue. Still, every so often I would be quite ill in the mornings. I was like that for almost 10 years until Bug was born. 

Having an infant meant everything to us and we went months with little sleep. We worked out a pattern that fit us well, I would feed Bug and then sleep, Glenn would bottle feed him the second time and then he would sleep, I would feed him next and then Glenn, it meant we got at least two hours of sleep between feedings. Bug was awake every hour for food. He eventually began sleeping for 3 hours and then 4 and then 7. By 4 months old we were doing better. And then at the age of 2, he digressed.

He began to fight us to go to sleep. We tried Melatonin with limited success, we tried Benadryl, also, with limited success and in our desperation, we gave him a sleeping pill and it worked. Most of the time. So sleep became our friend again for about 6 months and then he began having seizures every night.

And I became afraid of the dark again. Running from place to place always to end up cradling my boy as he had a Grand Mal seizure. Now, even with his medications helping, I still hate to sleep and yet, I love that I get to sleep more. 

Last year, when he was having 10 and 20 a night, I wasn't sleeping, I would spend the bad nights researching what could be going on in his head. Researching medications. When we put him back on the Melatonin, it made his seizures worse as did the Benadryl. Only his Lamictal gave us peace, until he adapted to it. Then it was Lamictal and Keppra, and now it is Lamictal, Keppra and Zonegran. Sigh.

I look back now and think how childish it was to be so afraid of what wasn't there in the dark and yet, here I am in the same position. It doesn't seem childish at all. Nothing real is there to harm us but it is what is not seen that is the problem. There is a bogeyman in our house and we hate him but turning on the light will not get rid of him...yet.