Doctor

Another hope tomorrow.

Another Doctor tomorrow.

This one ASKED to see him. This one may see something challenging, we like people who are challenged, they try to help, they can become obsessed, they can find answers. But they can also throw their hands up if the challenge is too great, if it makes them look bad. And Doctors are the worst at this. I make no apologies, I have been to far too many waiting rooms and Doctors to know the exceptions are few and far between. Still, I have *some* hope but mostly I have a list. A list of tests I want performed or a valid explanation why they are not required. And I have a Merck paper too...and I almost understand all of it. Merck, gave me more direction, and more questions and more possibilities for diagnosis. I have almost ALL of his medical records, I have his CAT scan and EEG on disc. I am prepared.

This Doctor, better show me what makes him different than all the rest, he will prove to me that he is the smartest Doctor I have encountered and the aggressive one that wants to do everything immediately to find the cause or...I will find someone else. I do not believe in trusting any Doctor without question, after all, someone had to finish at the bottom of the class. I have been known to ask how many times the Doctor took O Chem. It's a crappy thing to do, but if they tell me: Oh it was easy...I have a tendency to think they lie. O Chem takes work, and all the GREAT Doctors I know admit it. Sure, some of them passed it the first time, but they ALWAYS comment on it being their toughest class. Those Doctors, I keep. As long as they can tolerate me being a partner in the medical care they are providing. If I ask a question, I want an answer, not 'a look'. K, done with that.

This week has been good for Bug. He had a development day. A development day is a day where he sleeps almost a full 24 hours. The next few days after will be interesting. His seizure pattern will change, his personality will alter. He has one of these a year, at least, sometimes more. The curious thing is his seizures happen exclusively while he is asleep, and he had none. He slept for hours, and would wake up, cuddle a little, run into the other room and then cover his eyes and go back to sleep. No seizures.

Tonight could be night number 6 with no seizure. If he sleeps well and has none, it is a new year record. He has only gone this long one other time in the last year and 4 months. Did I just jinx it? I hope not, but still, he is a happy little guy now. REALLY happy, annoyingly happy and very Mommy oriented.

Because of all the Mommy time he desires, Taylor desires even more. She has been reverting to acting like a baby to get attention, and if I don't validate that, she just gets mean. The girl KNOWS how to push my buttons, and to make messes and to apologize and to bite. She bit her brother, and I punished her, She didn't like it, I didn't like, but I DO NOT abide biters. In any way, for any reason. Now she REALLY knows it.

She also asks the same question with every Doctor visit: Will buddy talk? She wants to hear him talk as much as Glenn and I do, maybe more, because we understand that he may never talk, she thinks it's just about finding the right Doctor or Teacher. I wish I still felt that way, but...I don't. My hope dwindles with every week that goes by. Every medication step up and seizure that has followed. It's hard to see that this may be working now, hard to see it when all I have seen is the failure time and again. The regression. It has taken on a life of its own, become this thing that I can try to chip away at, but looms ahead of me all the same, never getting smaller, never giving any part of him back to me. I have fought a lot more than most in my lifetime, but the battle was always mine, this one is his and I have no way to give him my strength except to be his advocate...to learn as much as his Doctors know about what is going on in his body. To give them all the details they need to put this puzzle together as much as it can.

Idiopathic to me, is really saying: Don't want to look anymore. Idiopathic will not be tolerated. Poor, poor Doctor. He has no idea how much this means to me. God help him help Bug.