Friday, March 28, 2008

 

Disney VOD Administrator

We all lose ourselves at some point. We hide, we forget, and sometimes we just leave it behind but it is gone nonetheless and we are forced to reinvent. Not such an easy thing. We have to look around us and evaluate who and what we have in our lives that benefit us and what is there that hinders our development. Tough love? Self-preservation.

I had an indentity crisis. I made light of it but it turns out it cut me to my core. I was, I thought, an psuedo-intellectual. A bright woman with a strong career in Technology. A shining star? Maybe not, but I could hold my own and then some. I may not have been the best at explaining but I was good at solving the problem. And I got a call. I gave a reference and I realized...I gave it all up for my kids. They are 5 and 3 at the current time and they will be in school or pre-school soon. I thought we might have another child but that may or may not happen so I can't count on it but what I can count on is being bored and missing talking to another geek. Glenn is a geek but we have been married long enough now that he is good at tuning me out. It happens, not his fault, all people do it when they have been together almost 16 years. He won't think he does so I don't bring it up, but I am really missing big people and communication that isn't all about children. And, forgive me, but screw anyone that thinks I don't appreciate my children, I would die for them, that's NOT the issue. I love being a Mom, I never thought it would happen so I really do love my children, they are both miracles to me. But that doesn't change that I gave up who I was for them and then, someday soon, they will have lives of their own and they will give up needing me around and I will be expected to just continue on. As if nothing has changed and I will re-invent myself again. But that moment, that brief conversation, made me think about where I would be. Where I could be and I resent that I am not there. That I am not a voice to be heard, but a SAHM. It's confusing if you have never been through it and I don't expect anything to really change because I am venting. I don't expect to feel better. I just had to say it. Me and my ramblings.

I think I'll just cut my hair.

Easter

Easter was fun. I felt poorly but the kids had a blast!

Taylor loves her bubbles

Taylor understood the concept of the Easter Bunny, I suppose it has something to do with the candy and not so much that a fluffy animal carries it to millions of children. But at least she was thrilled to see her brother's basket. Bug was thrilled there were Pringles. He likes chips. A Lot. He likes chips a lot. He ate them for breakfast. It's Easter, don't judge me.

Tay demanded to wear her Belle dress and I mean demanded. Not held her breath, she doesn't get that yet, thank god, but brought it to me and said: I want to wear this! Now!  I made her say Please, I'm not that much of a push-over.

 

Bug and Easter Pringles

They found all 48 eggs in the yard and opened them. We are swimming in Gummi Crabby Patties. I may never need to buy any other candy, ever. OK. That's a lie, I need chocolate right now but there isn't any left. They both had a good time and that is all that matters.

True to form, at the end of the day, Taylor asked when the Easter Bunny would be back. I told her a whole year. She bartered: Tomorrow?

 

Another Sad Day

I hate to blog like this, with sad news, but everyone needs to open their heart and have their voice heard when they are sad. I am no different. I am saddened by the loss of a dear man, a very loving man with a wonderful family. 

Erik and Glenn

I first met Bob and Lilo, and their boys, almost 18 years ago.  A wonderful family who always opened their home to us. Lilo would cook us Bratwurst, but never ate any herself. I always found this to be amazingly kind and I was grateful.

Their oldest boy Per I met only occasionally, he had a Military career, much like his father, but his included a Docorate of Medicine, so he was a very busy man. Their youngest, Erik, I met almost every month for years. A big strong man who was always happiest when doing things for others. Whether it was cutting their lawn or cooking their food, he was always giving to others whenever I saw him. But now, I cry. Erik is gone.

He died yesterday while at work and we found out today. I can not imagine how his parents are right now. I can only wish to be there and to help them and to console them but I am not there. They are without that boy that they formed so much of their lives around, what emptiness. Words are not mine today other than those. And these, I will borrow:

“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death” - Robert Fulghum

Good Bye darling boy, I will miss you.

An Update? No kidding?

I like to talk.

A lot. Sometimes I even say things people want to hear. But most times, I think, I ramble. Why do I do this? Hell if I know but I do. Knowing this, will I change, will I stop talking so much? Or did I just attempt to make myself feel

Max

better by admitting I am a pain? Hmmm...a thought for another time but for now: an update.

We went to Idaho for Christmas, my sister lives there and EVERYONE in the family was going so, why not? It was fun and it was stress but at least the kids got a dog. Yes. I was drawn to the darn thing from the moment I saw him. Yeah, like I needed one more thing that poops in the house. But I did it...and I got him. Now...I'm gonna eat him. OK, so I am not gonna eat him, but it sounded good and he is a handful but beautiful so we'll just nibble away at the stubborn streak until he knows who the Big Dog is. He's doing better with the children and that's why I picked a Boxer.

After Christmas, we stayed in Utah for 7 weeks or so while the snow fell. It was a clean beginning to a new year. The snow blankets the dullness and brings a quiet that only 14 inches of it can absorb. It reenergized me and I re-modeled the downstairs bathroom. Sigh. It looks good though. And my chidren, for the first time in their lives were well enough to play in the snow!

Glenn David and Snow

We usually share the flu or some forsaken cold while in Utah but not this year. Well, we did but it wasn't bad enough to stop us! It was truly fantastic. We built our first ever snowman (which may still be somewhat standing) and Taylor got her hands sufficiently cold enough to know that she really should wear the bulky waterproof ones next time.

We played with Papa and Nana until Taylor told us it was time to go home and we packed up the Cruiser, once we dug it out, and came home to all that was left behind. And cleaned it.