I mean Great Nephew as in my Niece just had a baby. And he is pretty great but still...Great Aunt Annette is creeping me the hell right out. Doesn't stop me from wanting to get my hands on that baby though. I just have to be patient. I am not so good at patient. So let's get on with what the women all want to see: The baby.
Jared Walker Hansen
May 10, 2008
8 lbs 3 oz 20"
Ok, so I am late. Been...busy/depressed/enjoying somethings and deciding which drug I should start ingesting. But, I do this for Bill so here goes:
Summarize your life in a six word memoir, with optional photo illustration. Then tag six others.
If I were to seriously do this I would pick these six:
Woman, love, hope, heal, empathy, give
No sentence structure. Sorry.
Now let me 'splain.
Woman: All those wonderful and terrible things that go along with it. Wife, daughter, friend, Mother. Strength to endure and compassion to nurture.
Love: Unconditionally the best movtivator. Love rules all and cures all woes. Some may argue more has been done in the name of religion. But isn't that another type of love? Love of God? Moving on.
Hope: I have dared to hope for myself and for others. It has taught me perseverance and to not be complacent with it. To work to achieve that which you hope for the most. And, I have found that all I have hope for has become mine.
Heal: Accept the tragedies and continue to live your life with grace and dignity. Do not let despair consume you, heal the emotional wounds and the physical scars will bear witness to your triumph.
Empathy: Remember the emotions of others. Do your best to not cause them harm. Feel how it would feel to be there, at that time, and support those who need it. Do not expect it in return. It will build you into a fine human being.
Give: Replace everything you think you need to make you happy with the things that make others happy. It will return to you. Give to receive. It will show the character of a man, in his ability to be selfless. And by He I mean humankind. All men and women.
I am not naive, I am hopeful. I am hopeful that this world is worthy of the lives I give to it. My children will have an unknown impact on an unknown number of men and women. I must prepare them for that. I must give them the tools to live worthy of the legacy of their forefathers.
And to keep off the grass.
I admit it. I love fast cars. Fast cars with attitude and absolutely no chance of ownership on my part. So, it stands to reason that I am addicted to the BBCA show Top Gear. There I said it. I watch it every time I find it on...in between Sponge Bob and Scooby Doo. If you don't know The Stig than you just need to watch more, or watch at all. Even if you don't get into the specs, the racing, the presenters building amphibian cars and attempting to cross The Channel, it's just a really good laugh. So far, James Blunt is at the top of my list for great interviews and reasonably-priced-car lap.
I admit to fantasizing about a full colonies version...where I get to host. Yep. Host...not just drive the track and get the fastest time in the P.O.S. du jeur, but go for the gusto: Host. The token chick. I can be that. I can completely suck it up and be that to just be in the room with an Aston Martin DB9. In the room! Not behind the wheel, although I sooo want to be behind the wheel. Yeah. Sex on wheels.
Heavy sigh. A v10 kinda sigh. Screw 4 bucks a gallon!
So, what do you do when you have the funks?
I have been down and out for a while now and this last week didn't help much. I thought it would be a pleasant time with family and it turned into so much less than expected. Made the funks worse. So I thought: I will watch videos. And I did.
All I could think of? I want Bug to have friends. I want him to be able to communicate what he wants. I want people to interact with him and not ignore him. I want him to never be hurt. But these things may not happen and I have to resign myself to that. He is beautiful and happy, regardless. He is sweet and cuddly and a million other wonderful adjectives, maybe a few not so wonderful too, but hey, he is 5 and 5 sucks.
I moved on for a second. A split second and thought: too bad I won't have more children. I really thought I was going to have more but this past week made me think it was a bad idea. It was an idea that I seemed to will into being and that isn't fair or smart. Maybe the loss in August was the universe telling me to be done. I really think I will listen and try to enjoy what I have, and what those I love have. But this thought also makes the funks worse. I haven't told Glenn, mostly because I am sure he won't really care what my reasons are. He will just try to talk me out of it because he knows I wanted it. But, I see what the future may look like and another little one may not make that future any brighter, in fact, may just make it more frustrating.
I think I need to move on to the damn haircut. :)
Taylor just brought me her ladybug.
Sounds cute doesn't it? Well it was. Darn cute in fact. And then an hour went by and she was still holding it. Talking to it. And now she is trying to get it to eat so she can keep it. When I tell her that the ladybug needs to be let go outside her almost 3 year old response:
But Buddy will squish her.
Can't argue with that, he will.
We all lose ourselves at some point. We hide, we forget, and sometimes we just leave it behind but it is gone nonetheless and we are forced to reinvent. Not such an easy thing. We have to look around us and evaluate who and what we have in our lives that benefit us and what is there that hinders our development. Tough love? Self-preservation.
I had an indentity crisis. I made light of it but it turns out it cut me to my core. I was, I thought, an psuedo-intellectual. A bright woman with a strong career in Technology. A shining star? Maybe not, but I could hold my own and then some. I may not have been the best at explaining but I was good at solving the problem. And I got a call. I gave a reference and I realized...I gave it all up for my kids. They are 5 and 3 at the current time and they will be in school or pre-school soon. I thought we might have another child but that may or may not happen so I can't count on it but what I can count on is being bored and missing talking to another geek. Glenn is a geek but we have been married long enough now that he is good at tuning me out. It happens, not his fault, all people do it when they have been together almost 16 years. He won't think he does so I don't bring it up, but I am really missing big people and communication that isn't all about children. And, forgive me, but screw anyone that thinks I don't appreciate my children, I would die for them, that's NOT the issue. I love being a Mom, I never thought it would happen so I really do love my children, they are both miracles to me. But that doesn't change that I gave up who I was for them and then, someday soon, they will have lives of their own and they will give up needing me around and I will be expected to just continue on. As if nothing has changed and I will re-invent myself again. But that moment, that brief conversation, made me think about where I would be. Where I could be and I resent that I am not there. That I am not a voice to be heard, but a SAHM. It's confusing if you have never been through it and I don't expect anything to really change because I am venting. I don't expect to feel better. I just had to say it. Me and my ramblings.
I think I'll just cut my hair.
Easter was fun. I felt poorly but the kids had a blast!
Taylor understood the concept of the Easter Bunny, I suppose it has something to do with the candy and not so much that a fluffy animal carries it to millions of children. But at least she was thrilled to see her brother's basket. Bug was thrilled there were Pringles. He likes chips. A Lot. He likes chips a lot. He ate them for breakfast. It's Easter, don't judge me.
Tay demanded to wear her Belle dress and I mean demanded. Not held her breath, she doesn't get that yet, thank god, but brought it to me and said: I want to wear this! Now! I made her say Please, I'm not that much of a push-over.
They found all 48 eggs in the yard and opened them. We are swimming in Gummi Crabby Patties. I may never need to buy any other candy, ever. OK. That's a lie, I need chocolate right now but there isn't any left. They both had a good time and that is all that matters.
True to form, at the end of the day, Taylor asked when the Easter Bunny would be back. I told her a whole year. She bartered: Tomorrow?
I hate to blog like this, with sad news, but everyone needs to open their heart and have their voice heard when they are sad. I am no different. I am saddened by the loss of a dear man, a very loving man with a wonderful family.
I first met Bob and Lilo, and their boys, almost 18 years ago. A wonderful family who always opened their home to us. Lilo would cook us Bratwurst, but never ate any herself. I always found this to be amazingly kind and I was grateful.
Their oldest boy Per I met only occasionally, he had a Military career, much like his father, but his included a Docorate of Medicine, so he was a very busy man. Their youngest, Erik, I met almost every month for years. A big strong man who was always happiest when doing things for others. Whether it was cutting their lawn or cooking their food, he was always giving to others whenever I saw him. But now, I cry. Erik is gone.
He died yesterday while at work and we found out today. I can not imagine how his parents are right now. I can only wish to be there and to help them and to console them but I am not there. They are without that boy that they formed so much of their lives around, what emptiness. Words are not mine today other than those. And these, I will borrow:
“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death” - Robert Fulghum
Good Bye darling boy, I will miss you.
I like to talk.
A lot. Sometimes I even say things people want to hear. But most times, I think, I ramble. Why do I do this? Hell if I know but I do. Knowing this, will I change, will I stop talking so much? Or did I just attempt to make myself feel
better by admitting I am a pain? Hmmm...a thought for another time but for now: an update.
We went to Idaho for Christmas, my sister lives there and EVERYONE in the family was going so, why not? It was fun and it was stress but at least the kids got a dog. Yes. I was drawn to the darn thing from the moment I saw him. Yeah, like I needed one more thing that poops in the house. But I did it...and I got him. Now...I'm gonna eat him. OK, so I am not gonna eat him, but it sounded good and he is a handful but beautiful so we'll just nibble away at the stubborn streak until he knows who the Big Dog is. He's doing better with the children and that's why I picked a Boxer.
After Christmas, we stayed in Utah for 7 weeks or so while the snow fell. It was a clean beginning to a new year. The snow blankets the dullness and brings a quiet that only 14 inches of it can absorb. It reenergized me and I re-modeled the downstairs bathroom. Sigh. It looks good though. And my chidren, for the first time in their lives were well enough to play in the snow!
We usually share the flu or some forsaken cold while in Utah but not this year. Well, we did but it wasn't bad enough to stop us! It was truly fantastic. We built our first ever snowman (which may still be somewhat standing) and Taylor got her hands sufficiently cold enough to know that she really should wear the bulky waterproof ones next time.
We played with Papa and Nana until Taylor told us it was time to go home and we packed up the Cruiser, once we dug it out, and came home to all that was left behind. And cleaned it.
Goes like this:
I obsess...make everyone miserable in the days leading up to it...but the house looks cool...the kids look cute..
I usually look like a whore with a theme and we make a lot of neighborhood kids happy with full-size candy bars.
“You should write this, “ Patty said to me, “You need to share this story of triumph using Google.” I wish I hadn’t said yes. Dr. Google A...
