It seems that everywhere I turn lately I am reminded of how I have failed instead of the ground I have gained. It's very tiring and emotionally draining. Once in a while it's nice to actually FEEL like I've done something valuable for someone else or to feel like I can do all the things everyone else can do. But, I have been tormented lately by my shortcomings, tormented by my own hand and by little things I read INTO what is happening and, also, by real comments made, not imagined. When did I become so delicate? When did I require this much validation and support? Because this is out of character, it troubles me even more. Makes me look at myself with more scrutiny and more contempt and yet. I lack the energy to change any of it. Some may call it depression, but I disagree. When members of my OWN FAMILY make little comments, well then, it really is something I have to examine.
I suppose, I am lacking in a lot of ways as a Mom. I am lacking patience and selflessness and dedication. I *thought* I had those qualities but I must not really otherwise the people in my own family wouldn't correct my children. Wouldn't have to remind them to say thank you and please, even though Thank You were Tay's first words and she does say them pretty regularly. There are people that have actually told me, and really do believe, that all I have to do is just be more consistent with Bug. I feel judged, I feel ignored, I feel lonely and isolated. I hate it.
The frustration from chasing around the 6 year old and turning off the lights he turns on every few seconds, and from sweeping the floor for the 3rd time in 3 hours...that frustration has no words. It has no voice, for when I tell my Doctors that he is bouncing off the walls, they ignore it and ask about his seizures...his seizures are bad enough but then his ADD/ADHD and OCD aren't even being discussed. And this, is my fault, I am to blame, I should be screaming and yelling and begging and crying for someone to help. I should be doing all sorts of things that, apparently other Mom's have done. That I have not.
People look at Bug and see a pretty little boy. They don't see any CP, or Downs, they don't see a cripple, or a child with apparent issues and that makes it so much more difficult. Even my own family thinks he can do more than he can. I am beside myself and feeling like a total failure. And there it is. In all it's glory. Where it HAS gotten better, it has also gotten worse.
I will, most likely, overcome these feelings, probably later than sooner, and I will do what I have always done: Go it alone, bottle it up, because who really wants to hear this from someone that is mostly happy? Even now I write this and only a few people will read it, a few that are genuinenly good people who would help if they could. But I don't expect anyone that can ACTUALLY make a difference everyday to read this, because, they don't. So this is my way of venting. It's as bad as it gets for me. And nothing good will come of it. I will do what I have to do, because it is what I have always done. I will be there for everyone else, sharing their triumphs and their joys, being judged by them in the process only to be left behind. It is the way it has always been, and so I move on.
